


55+ Things people are no longer allowed to do at Vought

by ChangingbacktoBellamort500



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26104873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangingbacktoBellamort500/pseuds/ChangingbacktoBellamort500
Summary: Things people are no longer allowed to do at Vought.(I was bored okay)Changed from 25 to 40.Changed from 40 to 55Changed from 55 to 55+ and this will now forever be in progress and complete at the same time. In short when I'm inspired I'll update it.
Relationships: The Homelander | John/Madelyn Stillwell
Comments: 17
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

1\. Not allowed to throw people off the roof even if they are annoying.

2\. 3 am is not the time to hold a press conference. Homelander's bedroom is not an appropriate place to a hold press conference. No, he doesn't care that you named your cat after him. You don't need a press conference to announce the name of your cat.

3\. Not allowed to make Deep cry for fun. 

4\. Not allowed to start a cult worshipping Billy Butcher. It upsets people, and by people we mean Homelander.

5\. Stop calling Mr Edgar "Daddy".

6\. Not allowed to sell drugs and claim they are Vought approved to make people sexy. 

6a. When arrested and it turns out the drugs you were selling chalk dust dyed green not allowed to claim A-Train made you do it.

6b. Your cat is not a lawyer.

7\. Queen Maeve doesn't have the legal authority to permit you to invade a country.

7a. Not allowed to say "Stop being mean to me," when you get shouted at after nearly causing world war three after invading a country.

8\. Doppelganger is not your partner in crime; even they would like to be. 

9\. Never again sing Smooth Criminal at Starlight.

9a. The words "Annie, are you okay?" are banned in any building owned by Vought.

9b. The nursery rhyme twinkle twinkle little star is banned too.

10\. Not allowed to tell Homelander "You are just superman with a lactation kink".

11\. Stop sitting on Madelyn Stillwell lap and calling her "Mommy" to annoy Homelander. 

12\. Not allowed to contact Translucent ghost via ouija board.

12a. His ghost didn't tell you to bite the Deep.

13\. It isn't your job to get Frenchie and Kimiko together. 

13a. Not allowed to blackmail the seven into helping you get them together.

13b. Ashley didn't permit you to do this. Please stop lying.

14\. Black Noir is not a Jedi; he cannot train you in the ways of the force. Please stop asking him.

15\. Not allowed to leave an important meeting because you think Hughie Campbell stole your teddy bear.

15a. Not allowed to force Doppelganger to go with you to get your Teddy bear back.

16\. Mother's Milk is not your therapist, nor does he want to be.

17\. The Janitor isn't out to get you; please stop destroying his mops.

18\. Not allowed to call Madelyn Stillwell "Bro." 

19\. The parking lot is not a wrestling arena.

20\. Not allowed to push Deep down a flight of stairs for fun or any other reason you can think off.

21\. Vought isn't Hogwarts.

21a. You don't have magical powers.

21b. Not allowed to sue Vought to try and get them to change the name to Hogwarts.

22\. Stop throwing glitter every time you enter a room.

23\. Not allowed to call Homelander "the superhero version of Eminem".

24\. Never again are you allowed to demand Starlight read you a bedtime story 

25\. Not allowed to dress up as Pennywise the clown to threaten people.


	2. Chapter 2

26\. Not allowed to call Homelander, Homebanger.

It wasn't funny the first time.

26a. Stop calling him Homelander the homewrecker.

27\. Not allowed to hit the Deep with a baseball and claim it's vengeance for white people stealing your ancestors land.

28\. Not allowed to shout kiss at Homelander and Butcher.

28a. You can't set fire things when they don't kiss.

28b. Hughie Campbell cannot help you set fire to things to make them kiss either.

29\. Translucent ghost cannot be your emergency contact.

30\. Black Noir isn't allowed to rob a casino with you; you are not allowed to rob a casino.

30a. Not allowed to invite the press to film robbing a casino.

31\. There never has and never will be paint everything pink at Vought day. It didn't begin in the 12th century.

32\. Under no circumstances is A-Train allowed to drink 100 cans of coca-cola, 30 energy and snort a fuckload of cocaine. And your not allowed to encourage to do it.

33\. Compound V is not to be used as a sauce to put on your ice cream.

34\. Ashley is allowed to question you when she finds Frenchie, Mother's Milk and you egging a portrait of Homelander.

35\. Queen Maeve is no longer allowed to provide you with an alibi anymore

36\. Starlight didn't kill your great-great-great-grandma. Please stop claiming she did. 

37\. Homelander doesn't want to hug you. You cannot pout and scream he is the worth father in the world. He is not your father. 

38\. Not allowed to build a giant microwave 

38a. Not allowed to try and microwave Ezekiel.

38b. "Billy Butcher made me do it, he kidnapped my cat," is not an acceptable excuse for trying to microwave Ezekiel.

39\. Kimko is not allowed in Vought. Yes, this includes you inviting her to help you do "Awesome stuff".

40\. Mr Edgar is not having an affair with the janitor. Please stop spreading this rumour.


	3. Chapter 3

41\. Not allowed to start a movement called tits out for Lucy the Whale.

42\. Not allowed to start a business to rival Vought 

42a. Not allowed to name it Vought 2.0 the more sexy company.

43\. 4 am is not the time to wake people up so you can tell them Ashley wouldn't let you blow up the moon. No one cares.

44\. "Okay, but has anyone asked Butcher what to do I feel he is smart and will have a solution," is not a correct answer to anything Homelander asks you. 

45\. Mr Edgar is not Father Christmas. You are not allowed to sit on his lap and list off the things you want for Christmas.

45a. Not allowed to wink at him and say "I've been a very good girl this year,".

46\. Everyone is forbidden from openly or secretly from plotting members of the seven's death.

47\. Translucent didn't tell you to slap people because his funeral was dumb. His ghost isn't demanding a 1,000 strippers, clowns and a vodka fountain.

48\. Crack is not a Vought endorsed product.

49\. Mother's Milk, Kimiko and Frenchie are not the appropriate people to help you solve the riddle of Jack the Ripper.

49a. "Plot twist Hughie and the Deep are twins; they are both Jack the Ripper," is not the correct answer to "Why are you dangling the Deep out the window?".

50\. Just because you can eat lava doesn't mean you should.

51\. Stop making petitions, stop forcing people to sign those petitions; especially if it's a petition for you and Black Noir to kidnap Mr Edgar and face no consequences.

52\. Starlight isn't allowed to help you get rid of a body instead of going to a press conference.

53\. There is no sexual tension between you and Mr Edgar. Please leave him alone.

54\. Not allowed to hide behind Queen Maeve and scream "Dear Ghost Translucent make sure Homelander kills Maeve first and not me," when Homelander wants to kill you.

54a. Stop doing things that make Homelander want to kill you. 

54b. Get a hobby that doesn't involve annoying Homelander.

55\. Not allowed to frame A-Train or anyone else you can think off for a crime you committed.

55a. Not allowed to commit crimes

55b. Be gay and do crimes is not Vought'ss motto.

55c. Not allowed to sue Vought because them not letting you commit crimes is preventing you from being a super gay villain.


	4. Chapter 4

56\. Not allowed to call Deep the following 

"A limp dick narwhal."  
"A peach coloured Squidward."  
"Future shark bait."  
"Fish bitch"

  
57\. God didn't create you to seek vengeance on snails for ruining the drugs you were growing on the roof. It isn't your life mission; you cannot miss an important meeting to complete this mission.

57a. Not allowed to grow drugs on the roof.

58\. Butcher isn't Doctor McCoy less attractive twin; you are allowed to call him that but only because Homelander found it funny.

59\. Not allowed to tell Stormfront the only reason you haven't killed her yet as Kimiko has first dibs.

60\. Whatever you, A-Train, and Black Noir were planning to do with dynamite, peanut butter, compound v and an elephant, you are forbidden from doing it. 

  
61\. Ashley isn't the clone of your childhood enemy; you don't need to make her life hell.

62\. Not allowed to give a press conference dressed as the Easter Bunny and claim Billy Butcher is innocent of the murder of Madelyn Stillwell.

63\. "It's on bitches," is not the correct way to reply to "Why do you have Jelly beans glued to your body?".

63a. Not allowed to glue Jelly beans to your body because Homelander son dared you to do it. Ryan is a child; you're an adult act like one.

64\. Legally you cannot throw any leader of a country off a cliff.

65\. Not allowed to write smut fanfiction and read it in a meeting. 

65a. Not allowed to sell that fanfic to the media and claim it is factual. 

66\. The following things are not Frisbees and shouldn't be used as Frisbees

• Human hearts   
• Sheep  
• Chairs   
• The Janitor 

67\. Mr Edgar didn't order you to email Butcher all of Vought's plans. He didn't tell you to write to Frenchie and Kimiko demanding they get married.

68\. Not allowed to force A-Train to fight a kangaroo. 

69\. There is no league of sexy doom and no you can't create one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Limp Dick Narwhal is created to Cait who is hella funny


	5. Chapter 5

70\. Not allowed to call Hughie "A twink you want to push off a cliff" when you meet him to do vodka shots.

70a. Stop meeting Hughie Campbell immediately.

71\. The answer to all of life's problems isn't cannibalism and cocaine, Vought didn't approve that message.

72\. You can't get to Narnia via the broom closet. Yes, Ashely can prove that.

73\. Under no circumstances are you to glue a horn to a horse and make it your sidekick.

74\. Frogs are not plotting against; you don't need to cover your body in peanut butter to save yourself. 

75\. Not allowed to reenact anything from the following movies 

Lord of the Rings   
Silence of the Lambs  
The Exorcist  
Cannibal Holocaust  
Grease (you can't sing, please stop)

76\. Not allowed to start a coven. 

76a. That coven is not allowed to bite people.

76b. No one is allowed to bite anyone while on Vought property.

77\. The Swan you saw in the park is not Translucent reincarnated. You can't steal it and bring it to meetings.

78\. A-Train isn't allowed to help you drop microwaves off the roof while dressed as a kangaroo.

79\. Not allowed to challenge Queen Maeve to a duel with candlesticks because she ate your last slice of pizza.

80\. Black Noir isn't a robot. Stop tweeting he is a robot.

81\. Frenchie and Kimiko child from the future didn't travel back to the past and tell you if you don't help them get together aliens will invade.

82\. Homelander isn't legally obligated to murder the boy who broke your heart when you were a teenager.

83\. Not allowed to introduce yourself as "I’m 50% murder, 70% skills, and 80% fashion,"


	6. Chapter 6

84\. Not allowed to use a giant catapult to launch Stormfront into the sun.

84a. You are not being victimised against because you can't launch her into the sun.

85\. You legally can no longer enter Florida, I don't know what you did, and I won't ask but know you can no longer go there.

86\. The moon does exist, not allowed to start a cult claiming it doesn't.

86a. Just because The Deep joined a cult doesn't mean you should start or join one.

87\. Mr Edgar doesn't want to meet you in Homelander bed on Thursday afternoon, please stop asking him.

87a. Not allowed to hook up with people in Homelander's bed because that's what Translucent would do.

88\. Not allowed to create and publish a list of ways to kill Stormfront.

89\. There is no need to raid people desks in preparations for the upcoming zombie apocalypse please stop doing it.

89a. You may not leave a press conference to come up with a Vought Zombie Emergency plan.

90\. Not allowed to question Homelander sanity in front of the press.

91\. Anything Billy Butcher tells you to do, don't.

92\. Not allowed to tell Ashley "I admire your destructive hoe phase when you got fired. Mad respect,". Even if you do respect that.

93\. Not allowed to skip any meeting to deliver the one ring to Mordor.

94\. Mr Edgar is not a vampire. No, he doesn't want to drink your blood and you're not allowed to post a video on YouTube claiming he does.

95\. Stop stealing things from Queen Maeve and selling them on eBay.

95a. Stop stealing things in general.

96\. Not allowed to make up a song about Black Noir.

97\. Not allowed to draw Satanic symbols on the walls with Hughie Campbell.

97a. Not allowed to draw goats on the walls with Frenchie.

97b. Not allowed to draw penguins on the walls with M.M and Kimiko.

98\. Food is not a toy.

99\. Not allowed to organize a strike at Vought.

100\. Homelander is not a pimp and the rest of the seven are not his hoes.


End file.
